Blood Clot Event
March 3, 2020 was the first time in my life that I have ever had a real panic attack. I was at a Panera Bread for a business meeting that was 30 minutes away from my house. Since I had never had an panic attack before, I was convinced the sudden sweating, hot flashes, difficulty focusing, and racing heart meant I was dying. I was so confident when I told my parents that they needed to take me to the ER because something was definitely wrong. When I got to the ER, they told me it was a panic attack…well that was an expensive bill. Panic attacks were the physical reaction I was having to the shock and avoidance I experienced in February

Unfortunately, it would be not my last panic attack. Sometimes I would have them in the middle of the night and other times during work calls or in the shower. For the panic attacks during the middle of the night, I would wake up around 2 am and would think to myself “if I could just move and make it to the bathroom then I would be ok “. I am not sure why the bathroom, but it was the bathroom. Often times instead of going to the bathroom, I would run to my parents room scared. I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep for three hours. I started sleeping in my parents room out of fear the blood clot would go to my heart and stop it. Sleeping in there was my only chance of survival or at least for them to preform CPR. That is some heavy shit.

My life was already undergoing life changes and now COVID added another layer of changes and isolation. Every where I turned everything felt unsafe externally but also every random ache and pain I felt internally. Because I waited so long to go to the doctor for my original diagnosis, I lost my ability to self-regulate/trust myself. I wanted to get every little ache and pain checked out because 1. it was my brain over correcting from past experiences 2. logic goes out the door because I didn’t protect myself with the original diagnosis. I started getting SO embarrassed to call the doctor for appointment because I didn’t want them to think I was crying wolf, but once I zoned in on a certain ache or pain then the only way to relieve the obsessive thought was to go to the doctor. In fact, I started telling people about my medical problems to get their reaction to see if they looked worried or said maybe you should call the doctor. My doctor prescribe me Xanax to help cope with the anxiety and take them when needed. Trusting myself/self regulating is something I still struggle with to this very day. This is probably one of the worst parts of this journey.

COVID/World Event
March 2 is when Cookeville and East Nashville tornados hit. 19 people lost their lives. I remember when was in the ER for my panic attack, patients were being treated there.

Furthermore, in early March was the first confirmed case of COVID-19 in my county. I remember I was standing in a parking lot of a Walmart with my dad. My first initial reaction was shocked that it was so close to home and tried to rationalize that it’s just one case. It can be contained. That was wishful thinking.

Mid-March is when the world came to a halt. Schools shut down, non essential businesses were forced to close their doors. The news channels each day were showing the rising cases and deaths tolls with the body bags going across the screen .The word ” social distance” became popular . Toilet paper was no where to be found. Signs started popping up say ” we are in this together”.

A lot more people started spending time outdoors. I used to walk around the neighborhood each day and in the window of one of the houses had a word puzzle (like wheel of fortune ) and you could text your guess. Each day they would add a new letter if no one got it right.